Hearing the Heart

woman standing on green grass

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I think the worst downfall for me is a transition. I mean really how much of us like drastic changes? I know for me I fight with all that I have and the funny thing is I always end up loving the difference. That is where I am currently, right smack dab in the middle of hard change. ( I am sighing at this moment whispering. It is, what it is.) One of my commentaries said: ” Sighing is just groan for home, a cry for redemption.”

Psalm 38:9 ESV

O Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you.

 

Even my subtle sigh is heard, nothing missed by the sovereign ears of God. There is great comfort in that for us today. That we would be understood by the creator of life, acknowledged by the lifter of our head’s. It seems when I am tossed around in the waves my heart goes directly to the Psalms, such practical and heartfelt cries to the Lord.  That He not only hears my physical cries, but even more, He actually listens and knows the ache of the heart like a melody.

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Psalm 139:3-4 TPT ( Passion Translation)

You are so intimately aware of me, Lord. You read my heart like an open book and you know all the words I’m about to speak before I even start a sentence! You know every step I will take before my journey even begins.

 

I am reminded to give Him the invitation to search my heart throughout my life. Not just while the ache is the loudest, but when the ache is dull. Continually search and know my heart, Lord.

Psalm 139:23 TPT (Passion Translation)

God, I invite your searching gaze into my heart. Examine me through and through; find out everything that may be hidden within me. Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares.

woman standing with mountain as background

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I invite you today, maybe if you are in the middle of rough transition and your heart is just aching. I merely want to remind you we are all on a journey. A journey with God through this life into the next. A mission is often long and challenging, but it is worth every step. Don’t give up now! Just because you are on the beginning of a new path doesn’t mean that He is not with you. The route could be dark with a blanket of dense fog appearing, but what gives illumination is the beautiful unfolding of His word. It will cast light on the next step. Hang in there, keep praying, keeping reading your Bible, most of all keep worshiping through the transition there is power in His presence.

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Psalm 119:130 ESV

The unfolding of your words gives light; it imparts understanding to the simple.

 

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This simple truth sets an aching heart upright and redirects us right back into the loving gaze of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior.

Psalm 46:10 ESV

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”

 

 

My Eyes Are Above The Waves

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Just wanted to give some of you just a glimpse of what has been going on. No excuses except one tired Mama. To be honest and transparent  I am in a bit of a dry spell. Seems these days I am grasping for alone time with Jesus. I believe Jesus in this season is just simply throwing me for a loop. That is good, ha! He is switching up and stretching me. So, I pray I am even more honest with Jesus and you all. It is an accountability thing, so here we go! Back in the saddle as they say.

This morning I was standing at coffee maker and had an overwhelming feeling of fear of failure. A “feeling” that turned into a “thought” (hmmm sound familiar??) As soon as that thought ran through my mind I said to myself ” Jesus, meet me right here. I am choosing today to direct my eyes back to you and not what I feel or think.”  A simple heart cry from a struggling piece of flesh. A heart cry, I believe there is something broken and beautiful about a heart cry. I am not saying replace a heart cry with prayer, but there are moments on our journies where the weary can only cry out from their heart. That heart cry invites Jesus to come in like a flood. That heart cry is healthy and welcomed by a tender and merciful God.

A heart cry of a wounded warrior is the beginning battle cry to the divine warrior, Jesus.

A heart cry is really a heart turning to Jesus, it is repentance. Repentance for walking without talking; running without resting. To me, there is just something miraculous and full of wonder about a child of God’s heart. I am captivated by how gentle and caring our omnipotent God can turn a heart of a wandering child. There is just something about it, I really can’t describe it with words. It is powerful, yet so graceful. Every single child of God knows the indescribable brilliance of God turning a heart. It is God’s glory, and His name is Jesus.

I don’t really have anything profound or significant to type out today. Just in case you are in the same rocking boat I am in today. Know this, a heart that cries out to Jesus is a heart that knows Jesus. It is a heart that knows the grace, mercy, and love of God.

It wouldn’t be me without scripture, so I am going to leave you with this Psalm 123 MSG. I chose The Message translation because it just fits this morning. Feel free to read in any translation. I really believe with all my heart all the things that are occurring in our lives, world and specifically in the United States. I would be safe to say every child of God is crying out in our hearts today Psalm 123. I am praying today, in my small prayers that our heart would cry out to Jesus and would lead us to the feet of Jesus every time in every situation. I sure do love each precious eye that reads these words. It really is an honor to get to share my heart with so many. Today, my friend in the waves of life there is mercy. So, with that being said when things are looking bad or even terrible I am reminded of this:

My eyes are above the waves, my eyes are drawn up toward heaven for help.

I am a servant that is watching, waiting, and holding my breath for your mercy God

Mercy, God, mercy! <3

Thank you, Father, for your mercy; Jesus Christ. In Jesus glorious and mighty name, Amen

Psalm 123 Msg

1-4 I look to you, heaven-dwelling God,
    look up to you for help.
Like servants, alert to their master’s commands,
    like a maiden attending her lady,
We’re watching and waiting, holding our breath,
    awaiting your word of mercy.
Mercy, God, mercy!
    We’ve been kicked around long enough,
Kicked in the teeth by complacent rich men,
    kicked when we’re down by arrogant brutes.

 

The Deceitful Distractions

Luke 10:38-42English Standard Version (ESV)

Martha and Mary

38 Now as they went on their way, Jesus[a] entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. 39 And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching.40 But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” 41 But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, 42 but one thing is necessary.[b] Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

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This small bit of info in the scriptures has always intrigued me. I mean I get the spiritual implication here. I know that we can get so caught up in serving that we forget to come to Jesus in prayer and allow Him to teach us His word. What I really want to focus in on is Jesus reply to Martha. After she has what I call a spiritual breakdown and physical fatigue meltdown.

The reason we react just like Martha in our journey with Jesus is:

1.) We are distracted

Just like it says here in verse forty, 40 But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.”

Martha was distracted with much serving and not enough time with Jesus who gives rest

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When we have a distracted mind frame, we are spread thin. Troubled mindset is always related to not taking our cares to God in prayer. We think we can just “handle it” “we believe God has strengthened us enough to take care of it” or “We might even find it is just not important enough to vocalize to God.” We are carrying loads of emotion, regret, and shame and suppressing it instead of sharing it with the burden carrier. This leads straight to excuses then before you know it we have arrived at distracted danger. You know it could be as little as someone said something to you that hurt you to the core. It could be that you are struggling financially, it could be that you are having major problems in your relationships with your loved ones. All these things have the potential to distract us from the word of God. Oh, how guilty of this I am. No matter how mature or immature I appear or even am, I still need to reset and rest at the feet of Jesus.  That will never change, His Word says:

Matthew 11:28

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

 

2.) We become impatient

Martha says directly to Jesus ” Lord! Do you even care that my sister has left me alone to serve? Tell her to help me!!!!

 

 

So, when we become distracted any little infraction becomes gigantic and we microscope everything, everyone, every situation. We are walking around like a nuclear bomb waiting to unleash on everyone and everything. We are bubbling over with cares concerns, and criticisms that have not been passed through the Word of God or at the feet of Jesus. We are wired like eight-day clocks.  This is stress, it is building up because we are holding it in. Again, no matter how far I grow up in Christ. If I am not careful, I naturally get to a place where I begin to do this. Jesus knows this and is well aware of “What is actually eating at Gilbert Grape.” This is when we should be clued in, this is when the Holy Spirit is saying ” Come to me, I will give you comfort, rest, assurance.” Our instinct is to hold it in, but Jesus is saying ” Tell Me, what is bothering you.” If we do what the Word of God says:

1Peter 5:7

7  casting all your care on Him, because He cares about you.

You know Martha is not the only person to think that God did not care about a circumstance. The disciples also did the same thing in

Mark 4:38.

38  But He was in the stern, sleeping on the cushion. So they woke Him up and said to Him, “Teacher! Don’t You care that we’re going to die?”

The boat was catching water, it was tipping back and forth, so many men crammed in, lighting striking all around, wind blowing them down. You get the picture! Yet in letting the storm distract them, they grew impatient. They cried out and accused The Lord of not caring about their lives. Sound familiar??? I know it does to me! I am so thankful for infinite grace and renewed mercies every day for all of us.

The third and final point I want to draw out is

3.) Jesus is faithful, even when we are distracted and impatient.

Even in our distraction and impatience Jesus still answer’s us. He calms us down and say’s to us just what He said to Martha

41 But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things,

Jesus knows what really is bothering Martha, she is trying to carry all of it on her shoulders. She is trying to control and she can not, she is trying to rely on herself instead of Jesus, she is not allowing herself enough time with Jesus to unload her cares and concerns to Jesus who gives rest.

We are all Martha’s at times, we just have to remember that there is always a pair of feet we can come and rest at.

Phillipans 4:6

6 Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.

Luke 12:22

22  Then He said to His disciples: “Therefore I tell you, don’t worry about your life, what you will eat; or about the body, what you will wear. 

I love a comma, I love that there is something that follows right behind what we know we should already do. It is called God’s grace, and without it, we are bankrupt. It is how love endures and never fails.

Notice after Jesus tells Martha what the real problem is he follows up with an invitation at least that is what I see in this scripture.

41 But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, 42 but one thing is necessary.[b] Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

 

 

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But one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the right portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

Jesus is telling Martha ” That can wait, Martha, come and join Mary and sit at my feet and listen.

Jesus said one thing is necessary for us to continue to move forward in our relationship, our callings, our season’s of life. That is that when we feel overwhelmed, defeated, anxious, upset, angry or happy, joyful, and rejoicing that we make time for us to sit at the feet of Jesus and listen to what He says and teaches us, daily. He invites us, He never forces. He will remain to wait even when we come to Him asking with prayer ” Lord! DO YOU EVEN CARE!”

Of course, He cares, He is just not distracted by the storm like we are. He is the living God, nothing moves Him; except us. He moved from His throne to save us. He moves on our behalf every day. He is our all in all; our Champion. Our Hero.

Psalm 16:5  Lord, You are my portion hand my cup of blessing; You hold my future

Psalm 27:4  I have asked one thing from the  Lord; it is what I desire: to dwell in the house of the  Lord all the days of my life, gazing on the beauty of the  Lord and seeking Him in His temple

Remember our work is unto the Lord

John 6:27

27  Don’t work for the food that perishes d but for the food that lasts for eternal life,  which the Son of Man  will give you, because God the Father has set His seal of approval on Him.”

 

 

 

Your Weakness Is Where Grace Glories

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Friend, remember today in all of our weakness His power is made perfect through those weaknesses

You don’t have to have a particular prayer

You don’t have to look a certain way

You certainly don’t have to be “good enough.”

All you have to do for God to use you is have a dependency on Jesus.

I asked the Lord a couple of weeks ago to heal a broken place in my life. I heard inside my heart “My Grace is Sufficient for you.” I smiled and said “Amen.” That answer was not No, or I don’t care. This reply was telling me to lean on Jesus, He will sustain us (Colossians 1:16-17 )

So, as Paul says in

2 Corinthians 12:10
That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Friend, I don’t have all the answer’s. There are thing’s that make me scratch my head and even wonder “Why?” but I know to the core of my soul. God’s Character is only good and no darkness lies (1John1:5) (James 1:17) (Daniel 2:22) Why do I believe that? Not because of my own heart, but because of God’s heart toward man. That’s found in the Bible. That beautifully bound book reveals Him and only Him. Sometimes we have to get over ourselves to see the bigger picture. All roads lead to Jesus. He is the center of the universe, and if God says it in His Word, then He will do it. He stands guard over His word watching, making sure it comes to pass. Jeremiah 1:12

Keep praying the Word of God over yourselves and declaring His Word even in our weaknesses.  After all, His word says He has loved us with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3)

Bless our Hearts

beautiful-love-5What a person speak’s out of their mouth is what lives their heart’s.

Luke 6:45
45″The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil [man] out of the evil [treasure] brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.

You have to remain silent to listen. 

The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it? (Jeremiah 17:9)

Jeremiah 17:10 gives us the answer on how to guard our hearts.
I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, Even to every man according to his ways, According to the fruit of his doings.

  We give our hearts to Him to search and to test our minds on emotion’s and thoughts. Jesus is the way we guard our hearts! He is the only way! We can bring it to Him and lay it down, but we must remember that is true discernment because Jesus is failure proof. Jesus is full of justice, Jesus has no darkness or the ability to lie. He is truth, love, and grace. We must remember that. No matter who say’s what we know is to be false (gossip, lies, so on). We are aware they have a lack of real treasure, but we don’t know why! We would be silly to think we could even understand the intent of a beating heart. Only Jesus knows why people do what every single person at some point has or will do. Jesus sees past the harsh, nasty, accusatory words and sees a heart that is lacking His love, grace, and mercy. It is a problem for every beating heart. Don’t worry or be anxious just know that He is taking care of everything concerning His children. Remember this truth today if you find yourself in yet another situation where you have been wounded by someone’s rude words or even an opinion. They are not themselves right now; they might be dealing with seemingly overwhelming circumstances that are stretching them tissue paper thin. They might even be dealing with jealousy, insecurity, anxiety or some other wretched, deceitful, heart emotions. Do not let the words of the enemy take root in your life. That is the source, not your brother or sister. Let’s be mindful of our words today, let’s remember we’re all in this thing together. I think we all could just breathe a little easier today and every day if we just cut each other some slack. It is hard being human. Even, God saw that problem and made way for us; Jesus, God, wrapped in flesh and bone. I am so very grateful for that beautiful way! <3 Thank you, Jesus, for being the only way to the Father. <3

Lord, we are thankful for your son Jesus Christ making it possible to overcome all things! Lord, we come to you today to give you our broken hearts. Lord, we need you to search our hearts and test our minds before we respond or speak. Help, us Lord to remember that our hearts are deceitful and wretched if left unchecked by You. Thank you, Jesus, for making and molding us into you. Lord, help us to have a greater compassion and understanding of You. In Jesus name, I ask all these things, Amen

Don’t be Alarmed, He is Risen

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Maybe, I am the only one that ever gets’s alarmed at times, Maybe not. I have been so disturbed and frightened at times that I have paced the floors so much, that I am sure my floors will never be the same again. There are times when I needed to be alarmed because my seven-year-old son just flipped his dirt bike. As his Mom, I just knew in my heart, that he has just broken every bone in his small precious body. I have been foolishly alarmed before causing myself to look like a floundering fool. I have been so alarmed that I isolated myself from feeling, thinking, speaking. Removing myself completely and retreating into myself deeply. So thick, that people would get caught up in the maze, lost forever, only to be blocked off and held captive. I am good at blocking and creating barriers that no human being could ever penetrate. Being alarmed is distress. You are sending a signal to those around you and sending an S.O.S for help. Being alarmed is human nature it is not our spiritual life. It suspends us helpless and in a pit of distress.Usually, this leads to two things honor or dishonor. In my experiences, honor or dishonor can follow these two powerful emotion’s, because of our reaction, not God’s. I want to give you the definition of alarmed and distress. I want you to understand the mindset that happens when these two emotions are present.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/alarmed

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/distress

 

Definition of alarmed

  1. :  feeling a sense of danger or alarm:  very worried or frightened <I was alarmed to see how sick she looked.>

Definition of distress

  1. 1lawa:  seizure and detention of the goods of another as pledge (see 1pledge 1) or to obtain satisfaction of a claim by the sale of the goods seizedb:  something that is distrained

  2. 2a:  pain or suffering affecting the body, a bodily part, or the mind :trouble<gastric distress><The patient showed no obvious signs of distress.><severe emotional distress><voiced their distress over the delays>b:  a painful situation :misfortune

  3. 3:  a state of danger or desperate need <a ship in distress>

Now, that you see these two words I want to introduce you to the scripture that I want to talk about. I want you to understand every single human being living and breathing on this planet deals with being alarmed and being in distress. As you see in the scripture, I want you to see even in the midst of our greatest fear and our cries of difficulty. There is One that answers our distress calls and calms our alarmed flesh down. Tender with mercies and great love, full of compassion in and through His name and presence, the name of Jesus Christ. He is risen!

Mark Chapter 16:5

And entering the tomb, they saw a young man clothed in a long white robe sitting on the right side; and they were alarmed.

First, I want to explain who they are referring to. Here the scripture is referring to Mary Magdalene, Mary Mother of James, and Salome. They were bringing spices to anoint Jesus’ body (Mark 16:1).

So after, seeing a colossal stone that was set over the tomb of Jesus had been rolled away (Mark 16:4), they enter the tomb. This brings us to Mark 16:5 they looked around for a body, but all they saw was a young man standing there in a long white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed or anxious and frightened.

I don’t know about you, but if I am expecting to see a dead body and I see a young man standing there I would be alarmed too! I trying to picture both Mary’s and Salome slack-jawed and trembling. Possibly, even their faces as white as the young man’s robe. Scripture doesn’t give us that detail, but I think we all have been that frightened before we were speechless, pale-faced, and paralyzed frozen or as I like to say “Scared Stiff” (Ha). I can’t help, but to go over that verse over and over today. They entered into the tomb ready to pay their last respects to a man who they had hoped was the Messiah. A man, yet fully God dwelling in the flesh that was coming to restore Israel and was their Savior. They had lost hope (ridden with distress) that He was not who He said He was. The Lamb of God, The Son of God, The Messiah. Little did they know, God was going to alarm them straight back into believing! I just giggle when God does these types of things. When I see these times of distress, then great faith is birthed in scripture because at the moment of great pain. I see Jesus point these women’s lives back to faith in Jesus Christ the Son of God. God, divinely alarmed them straight back to faith. Sometimes we need a real alarming for God to show us He is True and Faithful. It is not fun, but it is precisely what we need. He means what He says, and He does what He says always.

Let’s go on to Mark 16:6

But he said to them, “Do not be alarmed. You seek Jesus of Nazareth, who was crucified. He is Risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid Him.

The angel announced to the three witnesses that they were not to be filled with fear but to seek Jesus and see that He is risen and alive. This is my favorite part in their sorrow and despair. God sent heavenly host’s to comfort and reassure them. There is no need to be frightened by their distress because He has Risen! He is alive!!

Today may be a day filled with anxiety, fear, worry, and you are in distress today. To be in trouble, or danger, maybe you are consumed with sorrow and grief. I love that being alarmed and distressed is always addressed with perfect comfort. There is just something that makes my heart skip a beat thinking about my ever-present help coming in to bring justice, righteousness, and honor for us. The enemy has many tactics, he is cunning and deceitful. He is the father of all lies (John 8:44).

 Genuine and faithful delivered a fatal fate to our enemy and defeated our foe for once and for all. Our enemy time is short, and he is desperate. You know what they say ” Desperate times calls for Desperate measures.” Satan wants nothing more for you to be distracted and dismayed by what he devises against you. There is nothing that dirty thing won’t touch. I honestly hate him with all I have. I hate him to the core. I hate him because he steals, robs, and kills. I hate him because in our great distress he tries to come in to devour us like a roaring lion. I hate him because he is death, sin, and rebellion. Even when we are alarmed or in distress at times. The Risen Savior empowers us to overcome. That’s what Jesus did for us. Oh, He gave us life eternally, but He gave us the Holy Spirit of Christ Jesus to defeat our enemy face to face. What will you choose? Will you allow your enemy to keep you alarmed and distressed or Will you rise with the Holy Spirit and the word of God and make your enemy a footstool? The choice is yours. We get to choose who we don’t wanna be. We get the choice to pursue God without limits through the Holy Spirit ( John 3:34)! How awesome is our God!!

What a Beautiful Name By Hillsong

Friend, I am praying today that you will take hold of the word of God and be renewed by the transformation of your mind, heart, and soul!  In Jesus Mighty and Glorious name Amen!

A tree of life

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Today, I have just been reflecting. I have been thinking about the last five years of my life. I have witnessed God do amazing things in the midst of severe tragedy and death, against tremendous loss and financial hardships, and against every odd that could be stacked. I have seen His hand come down to swoop me from destruction and desolation. I have seen His mercy when the world said there was none. I have experienced a valley period for almost six years (actually to be specific April 2011). I have experienced total loss. First, my house was lost in a historic flood in April 2011. I mean everything we had about three hours to get everything out. We got some things, but most things were ruined. I lost my pictures, handmade items that my babies made. I about lost it when an insurance adjuster came in and said “Well it could have been worse!” and quickly told us well we were lucky because it wasn’t over the top of our roof. I remember feeling like the blood was collecting up around your neck and your head was going to pop. I also remember in that very moment wanting to cry and scream and ask him how he slept at night. But, I heard a small voice that said: “Everything is ok.” I remember feeling like I had no one. I remember trying to give updates to people and fighting back intense anger and tears. I remember trying to understanding if I was going to get through this? If I were going to, I would have to breathe one breath at a time. I got through it, I got through it by the grace of God that holds us, the universe, and all together and is in control Colossians 1:16)

I remember filling out paperwork for my babies to go back to school and have to check homeless. We were living with my in-laws. I remember getting the phone call saying sorry you didn’t get the loan. I remember feeling like my every day just was every hell I didn’t want to go through.

This is life, hard, cold, and cruel. I remember a phone conversation with my mom and she said “Kim, why don’t you claim the house in Jesus name.” I remember saying “Okay.”

I don’t believe in the prosperity gospel; I am not saying or giving the formula to claim a house. I am saying I walked in my current house and right there completely broken; I cried out. “I said, Jesus if it is your will, please give us a home. This house is your house. You will be on these walls because you gave it to us.” I walked out and went home told my husband of soon to be ten years” I found a house!” he said “Great, we will go see it Saturday and get some paperwork on it!” and that is just what happened. Saturday afternoon we started papers on a beautiful four bedroom home for a family of five. By Friday the next week we were approved without a hitch or complication and signed papers the following week. By the first week of October, we were moving in. I’m not telling you this to pat ourselves on the back. The fact was we were so far away from God that some would say we were hopeless. I’m telling you this because prayer is everything!

Not the claim made to Jesus but, the cry that He hears.

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He decided the rest because He knows. Looking back, this blessing turned my life straight back into his arms. It set my heart to seek Him for healing, loving, and restoration I needed desperately. I needed freedom! I needed to see Him move mightily to get my attention.

That same Easter we decided to recommit our lives to Christ and serve Him with all our heart, mind, and souls. We did, we started getting involved with the youth inside our church, and it was love at first sight. Our church was perfect for us, but there is no such thing as a perfect church. This spurred a journey that changed our lives for the good. Soon, as you all have experienced, a major issue and conflict started to surface. Looking back every inch of it was fueled by religion and that nasty green-eyed monster jealousy. I will admit I could have handled the whole thing much better than I did. I made mistakes and have regrets. What happened next was a beginning of several losses that have occurred simultaneously since July 2013. First significant loss was the children in the youth group. I don’t want to be melodramatic, but, when this offensive explosion of lies and mean-spirited division came, it left a wake of victims not just myself but at least thirty people that I can immediately think off the top of my head. Of course, I remember feeling out of control, frustrated, and well downright heartbroken. Immediately I ran to the Word, and the Holy Spirit led me to three Psalms. I would tell you the numbers but, honestly, I just think that’s something only God and I ever need to know. It was a time where God was ever so tender with me. I felt like if I even sniffled He was right there on the scene. I remember one morning in particular where I was praying. I was angry praying; I was stomping around then I knelt down then I laid down, and I sobbed my ever-loving heart out, but not what you think, I was merely asking for Him to take the pain away. I was begging to tell Him, Lord, I feel like a whole part of me is gone. Don’t you care? Why, am I going through this? What did I do? Why can’t I be back with those kids, I love them! I need them!

He never even chastised me He just simply said: “I know, I see, I hear.”  I have never forgotten those words. Just knowing He knows, He sees, He hears was enough. I knew He loved me. I knew He saw this coming. I knew He heard my shattered heart and knew exactly what to say to it. I got up from there and decided, well if He knows, He sees, He hears, then I’m giving this to Him, and I am leaving it here. It’s too much, and it hurts as all get out, and I have had enough of it. I would be lying if I said I didn’t still cry over that season every once in a while. I remember what happened, but I remember how God loved me especially so merciful in that season. Made the verse in Matthew 5 jump off those pages and come to life. I am close to the broken-hearted. Oh, I have been broken just like David on my belly, broken. Just as I got on my belly flat as an arrow, I got up again.

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After leaving our home church, we went to another local church. Quite a bit larger than our home church and full of life. It was a safe place. It was a place that we could cry, be angry, hurt, and quiet and be okay. That was two and a half years ago, and it wasn’t pretty. I would love to tell you all how we nailed it, but that would be a whopper breaking lie for the record books! We were messy, but they loved us anyway. We were gun shy, but they were patient. We tried, and I think they saw that. I’ve heard everything from if the church hurt you enough to make you lose your faith your faith was not of God. That is true, but to a person raw with intense pain and loss of losing a church family traumatically it’s like pouring salt on it and saying don’t worry it’ll heal up! I’ve heard well come on its time to get over it. It’s time to get moving. Yup, probably 100 percent truth, but the fact was I was barely holding on to Jesus’s garment, but at the same time the little bit I had a hold of it was a death grip. I almost lost my mind during this season. God knew I loved Him. Believe me, Y’all, I had the heart for God, but I was running away from things I had suppressed and when all heck broke out. There it was staring back at me like a rabid dog. It was a giant of sorts, and it wanted to consume me. God orchestrated all this so when this fierce giant came for me, well, this time I would slay it! So Him saying I know, I see, I hear. Did not just have meaning right then, but He told me ” Kim, I’ve been here all along! I know, I see, I hear!”  That is the still small voice that led me through the valley and in a spiritual battle that was the turning point in my life. After ultimately finding Jesus and knowing who I am in the Great I Am. This took from July 2013 until May of 2015.

That May morning I received a phone call and …

One of my best friends voice said “Kim, Jenna is in ICU. She is bad. They don’t think she is going to live.”

tree-of-life

See, Jenna and I were best friends in high school. We had a lot in common. Of course, we were both incredibly broken, and well, you attract the level of brokenness you are.  We instantly bonded.

Fast forward to our early 30’s and we were not even speaking because of drugs and alcohol. No matter what, I loved Jenna. I really did. No matter what, we always were at her major life events, especially the birth of her daughter A.

Fast forward to May of 2015 again and the same friend that called said: “Kim, come up here now!”

I said, ” Does she want to see me?”

She said, “Hold on I’ll ask.”

The next voice I heard was a faint, weak voice that said: “Kimmie, I love you!” I said “I love you, Jenna” then she only said let’s never talk about it again come up here.

I dropped the phone and ran. Praying the whole way up there that God would help me. I was scared to death. The only thing I knew was she was in complete liver failure, and she looked scary.

I remember the level of a shock seeing her. But, after that, I sincerely believe God shielded my eyes and gave me strength to do what I did next. I decided from that moment if God had restored us back to speaking then I would stay with her. I did, until she was released from the hospital. The things that happened, are again, something I will never forget and are moments I treasure. I will say this; God filled that room, and I saw first hand the power of prayer and how God prepares us for the next step. He faithfully did. After she went home to Texas with her mother, she would be away from drug dealers and access to what is a full blown epidemic in our society. Ninety percent of drug and alcohol addicts are not in treatment centers; the death rate is staggering. After staying with her mother in Texas she relapsed. It was the beginning of August three short weeks after she returned; she was dead due to substance abuse. The same day we buried her precious bones, my husband stood in the doorway and told me his job of eighteen years was ending in November 2015. To be honest, I was numb; I tried to process but, I couldn’t. All I could do was walk around and occasionally sob.

It would be a grief-stricken season. I still had a hold on to the same piece of His garment. I said to Jesus one morning “I don’t care what happens I’m not letting go! I refuse to give up, and I don’t know how, or where, or even when, but, I know You will work this for the good of me! I’m digging in and choosing You!”

Hahaha, little did I know He chose me before the foundations of the earth. But, you see I was convincing myself, and declaring no matter what to Satan, I love God because He first loved me! You can sift me like wheat, but, you can’t have the head of the grain. The harvest is the Lord’s! No matter what you throw out before me, I am submitting and praising God! The next week, a woman at church said:  “Hey, there is an older couple who need a caretaker; I know you would be great at it!” so, I took the offer and began this page. This page and blog is a tree of life to me. It is a fruit from several seasons of loss and hardships. It is a promise that was made to my heart. It is proof that God is with me. It is evidence of how His grace continually holds all of us together!

By the way in March 2016, my wonderful hubby did find a job, and God is still blessing us abundantly. We celebrated 15 years married in September 2016. I will never be able to adequately express how difficult these last five or six years have been, but what I can tell you is keep praising, keep dreaming, keep holding onto that garment with white knuckles because things will calm down and you will see the hand of God in time. I love Jesus, I love life, and I love each one of you. ❤

This picture right above is a relationship that is a tree of life for me. This is my best friend Cassie and one of Jenna’s besties too! I look at this picture sometimes and wonder what it would have been like to have a short, beautiful blonde holding a sign that says, Love. How many nights I have wondered but, the still small voice says: “Don’t wonder. Everything is okay. I know, I see, and I hear.” That is what keeps all of us going. Those moments of security and reassurance. Thank you, Jesus, for those moments they keep up hanging on tightly to the hem of your garment. <3

 

#grace #Jesus #unfailing #everlasting #Lord #Holy #mighty #restoration #healing #hurt #broken #strength #holyspirit #promises #faithfulness

Glory of God, Came Down

 

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Thank you, Lord, for coming down from your throne in Heaven. Leaving angels perplexed while your plan of redemption for mankind had begun (1 Peter 1:10-12) in your perfect time and in your perfection. Thank you, Lord, for tearing the veil from bottom to top. Paul writes in Hebrews 10:19-20 Jesus’ body was torn so all man could have an eternal life and all His power and glory could transcend to be with the Father. Because the moment when the veil of our Savior, Jesus was torn something radical happened. 

 

Jesus broke the curse of sin and death trampling the enemy with one final blow delivering defeat and handing us the keys to victory and eternity. God descended from heaven all His glory power through the womb of Mary becoming both flesh and God, and he walked wrapped in human flesh with all of God’s glory, Jesus.

 

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He even died in all of God’s glory, and power. Jesus’ body was broken and bruised with all of God’s glory. The same power and glory that was laid to rest in a borrowed tomb. The same glory and power that rose Jesus from the grave on the third day. It is the same glory and power that breathed His first breath in a cold, smelly, crowded stable with a tired young mother and even more anxious father awaiting the cry of their first-born miracle son Jesus. The day that Son of God arrived in all of God’s glory and power and honor; hidden in the flesh of an infant boy born to a virgin. The angel – said His name was to be Jesus.

– Luke 1:31-33

You will become pregnant and give birth to a son. You must name him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High God. The Lord God will make Him a king like his father David of long ago. He will rule forever over His people, who came from Jacob’s family. His kingdom will never end.”
For to us a Child shall be born, to us, a Son shall be given; And the government shall be upon His shoulder, And His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace
Isaiah 9:6

And, so it was His name is Jesus, and as Mary wrapped the cold, infant in swaddling rags. The Heavens and Earth declared and displayed that The Savior of the World, The King Of Kings, and Lord of Lord’s had indeed been born into the world; to save and restore humankind from death to life eternally. Oh, how blessed we truly are to have such a loving Creator. Thank you, Father, for the birth and death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, my Wonderful Counselor, my Mighty God, my Everlasting Father, and my Prince of Peace. All I have to bring is my love and a broken heart. I am grateful that is all that you ask because of Jesus Christ.  Jesus, you have appeared to us, and loved each of us with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3)

 

 

 

Learning and Leaning 

The past couple of weeks have been downright exhausting. My Mother had surgery on November 29th, a total knee replacement. It has been a challenge, and I will spare you the details. I kind of giggle to myself as I write this because I’m right in the middle of the details, there are wildly hilarious moments and my sides hurt from laughing so hard and some when I have wanted to scream, cry, and shout. Some moments simply overwhelm us, but they are just moments, and they soon enough will pass.

I’ve learned something this week…

I’ve learned that usually during the most insane moments of our lives, ya know the kind – when everything is on pause for a family member to heal. When you lose your job of eighteen years. When you get the phone call that your loved one has passed on, we know these moments. Where life suddenly changes direction in a split second. It’s these moments that are small in time, but the crescendo in a symphony. They are fast and intense and full of drama and downright exhausting.

These mini moments don’t define us, these moments refine us.

They come out of nowhere like a hundred mile an hour curveball. We think we can just swing at it and hope like heck we nail it, but more often than not we swing and frustratingly, and miserably strikeout.

That has been me for the last two weeks. If you can imagine me ever trying to hit a baseball (insert hysterical laughter here). I thought about that for a second.  I thought about myself watching my children play sports and, wanting them to knock that ball silly and hit a home run. Not necessarily to make me proud, but to show them that they are fantastic!

Then I realized…

The fact that they are standing on home plate, ready and willing to hit that ball, no matter what came from the pitcher, the other team! That was what mattered that they showed up not just for themselves, but for their team.

Some times we need to know that even if we strike out due to frustration, anxiety, grief, and failure. We have a Father in Heaven that is wild about us! Sitting in the heavenly bleachers, cheering furiously, for us to hit that ball out of the park, and if we don’t, He still will be cheering just as loud. Proud as a peacock! That’s what we call it around here! When is the last time you even thought that God, himself is proud of you??? He’s not just cheering you on; He adores every breath you take. There is nothing, that could ever stop that love, that grace.

I’m learning He doesn’t care about how far it goes or how awesome the crowd cheers. He only cares that I show up, that I am present in the moments, and most of all NO MATTER WHAT I DON’T QUIT!

I’m learning when I do strike out, and I don’t have what it takes to hit it out of the park.  He is still cheering but, as any parent does He puts together the perfect game plan for PRACTICE.

What I’m learning is He is putting me in incredibly challenging and chaotic situations and impossible odds to challenge, to strengthen me, to mold me.

I am learning that to do what He wants I need to learn how to play in the batter’s box and as the outfielder. I need to learn how to slide, to run like a deer,  to stay on base, to be aware of the game but, keep my focus on the goal.

I need to learn how to throw the Word of God,  and I need to find out how to catch it by listening and spending time with Him. I have to know the object of the game is endurance; that is making it to home plate.

I need my forehead to be as strong as flint so, I can run with champions. I need to learn teamwork and wait for the teammates and team He drafts me to. I need to learn how to be ready and, how to catch(listen) and how to throw a ball (learn) so, I can get the other team out and us in! So we can win souls for the kingdom of God. I need to learn how to lean into the pressure instead of resisting pressure and allowing the weight to slow me down and allowing it to take me out of the game.

I am learning how to lean; when I lift my eyes and I’m coming off of third base leaning into a steep curve and, then running with all I have. I will see and hear the loudest voice saying “Run! Kim, Run!” “Run! Home!”

No matter what game we are facing, we can find strength in the leaning and not the ability

We are never without leadership even when our team has given up or, the other side has a six-point lead, and we are in the bottom of the ninth; exhausted and beaten up with no hope in sight.

We always have our Father in the stands seeing, knowing, and understanding the odds but whispering ” Just lean in, then mount up with wings like eagles and soar!” with the biggest, widest, smile on His glorious face.

So, when you feel like there is no hope, no team, no coach, don’t worry your Father is in the stands giving you a look to just lean. Trust that! That my friends is the perfect and safest place to be in the whole game.

Don’t be afraid just keep running!

#Lean #Learn #Trust #Practice #RunningTheRace #faith #Jesus #endurance #strength #defining #moments #not #the #end #hope #unfailing # love