Hearing the Heart

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I think the worst downfall for me is a transition. I mean really how much of us like drastic changes? I know for me I fight with all that I have and the funny thing is I always end up loving the difference. That is where I am currently, right smack dab in the middle of hard change. ( I am sighing at this moment whispering. It is, what it is.) One of my commentaries said: ” Sighing is just groan for home, a cry for redemption.”

Psalm 38:9 ESV

O Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you.

 

Even my subtle sigh is heard, nothing missed by the sovereign ears of God. There is great comfort in that for us today. That we would be understood by the creator of life, acknowledged by the lifter of our head’s. It seems when I am tossed around in the waves my heart goes directly to the Psalms, such practical and heartfelt cries to the Lord.  That He not only hears my physical cries, but even more, He actually listens and knows the ache of the heart like a melody.

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Psalm 139:3-4 TPT ( Passion Translation)

You are so intimately aware of me, Lord. You read my heart like an open book and you know all the words I’m about to speak before I even start a sentence! You know every step I will take before my journey even begins.

 

I am reminded to give Him the invitation to search my heart throughout my life. Not just while the ache is the loudest, but when the ache is dull. Continually search and know my heart, Lord.

Psalm 139:23 TPT (Passion Translation)

God, I invite your searching gaze into my heart. Examine me through and through; find out everything that may be hidden within me. Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares.

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I invite you today, maybe if you are in the middle of rough transition and your heart is just aching. I merely want to remind you we are all on a journey. A journey with God through this life into the next. A mission is often long and challenging, but it is worth every step. Don’t give up now! Just because you are on the beginning of a new path doesn’t mean that He is not with you. The route could be dark with a blanket of dense fog appearing, but what gives illumination is the beautiful unfolding of His word. It will cast light on the next step. Hang in there, keep praying, keeping reading your Bible, most of all keep worshiping through the transition there is power in His presence.

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Psalm 119:130 ESV

The unfolding of your words gives light; it imparts understanding to the simple.

 

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This simple truth sets an aching heart upright and redirects us right back into the loving gaze of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior.

Psalm 46:10 ESV

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”

 

 

The Deceitful Distractions

Luke 10:38-42English Standard Version (ESV)

Martha and Mary

38 Now as they went on their way, Jesus[a] entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. 39 And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching.40 But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” 41 But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, 42 but one thing is necessary.[b] Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

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This small bit of info in the scriptures has always intrigued me. I mean I get the spiritual implication here. I know that we can get so caught up in serving that we forget to come to Jesus in prayer and allow Him to teach us His word. What I really want to focus in on is Jesus reply to Martha. After she has what I call a spiritual breakdown and physical fatigue meltdown.

The reason we react just like Martha in our journey with Jesus is:

1.) We are distracted

Just like it says here in verse forty, 40 But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.”

Martha was distracted with much serving and not enough time with Jesus who gives rest

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When we have a distracted mind frame, we are spread thin. Troubled mindset is always related to not taking our cares to God in prayer. We think we can just “handle it” “we believe God has strengthened us enough to take care of it” or “We might even find it is just not important enough to vocalize to God.” We are carrying loads of emotion, regret, and shame and suppressing it instead of sharing it with the burden carrier. This leads straight to excuses then before you know it we have arrived at distracted danger. You know it could be as little as someone said something to you that hurt you to the core. It could be that you are struggling financially, it could be that you are having major problems in your relationships with your loved ones. All these things have the potential to distract us from the word of God. Oh, how guilty of this I am. No matter how mature or immature I appear or even am, I still need to reset and rest at the feet of Jesus.  That will never change, His Word says:

Matthew 11:28

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

 

2.) We become impatient

Martha says directly to Jesus ” Lord! Do you even care that my sister has left me alone to serve? Tell her to help me!!!!

 

 

So, when we become distracted any little infraction becomes gigantic and we microscope everything, everyone, every situation. We are walking around like a nuclear bomb waiting to unleash on everyone and everything. We are bubbling over with cares concerns, and criticisms that have not been passed through the Word of God or at the feet of Jesus. We are wired like eight-day clocks.  This is stress, it is building up because we are holding it in. Again, no matter how far I grow up in Christ. If I am not careful, I naturally get to a place where I begin to do this. Jesus knows this and is well aware of “What is actually eating at Gilbert Grape.” This is when we should be clued in, this is when the Holy Spirit is saying ” Come to me, I will give you comfort, rest, assurance.” Our instinct is to hold it in, but Jesus is saying ” Tell Me, what is bothering you.” If we do what the Word of God says:

1Peter 5:7

7  casting all your care on Him, because He cares about you.

You know Martha is not the only person to think that God did not care about a circumstance. The disciples also did the same thing in

Mark 4:38.

38  But He was in the stern, sleeping on the cushion. So they woke Him up and said to Him, “Teacher! Don’t You care that we’re going to die?”

The boat was catching water, it was tipping back and forth, so many men crammed in, lighting striking all around, wind blowing them down. You get the picture! Yet in letting the storm distract them, they grew impatient. They cried out and accused The Lord of not caring about their lives. Sound familiar??? I know it does to me! I am so thankful for infinite grace and renewed mercies every day for all of us.

The third and final point I want to draw out is

3.) Jesus is faithful, even when we are distracted and impatient.

Even in our distraction and impatience Jesus still answer’s us. He calms us down and say’s to us just what He said to Martha

41 But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things,

Jesus knows what really is bothering Martha, she is trying to carry all of it on her shoulders. She is trying to control and she can not, she is trying to rely on herself instead of Jesus, she is not allowing herself enough time with Jesus to unload her cares and concerns to Jesus who gives rest.

We are all Martha’s at times, we just have to remember that there is always a pair of feet we can come and rest at.

Phillipans 4:6

6 Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.

Luke 12:22

22  Then He said to His disciples: “Therefore I tell you, don’t worry about your life, what you will eat; or about the body, what you will wear. 

I love a comma, I love that there is something that follows right behind what we know we should already do. It is called God’s grace, and without it, we are bankrupt. It is how love endures and never fails.

Notice after Jesus tells Martha what the real problem is he follows up with an invitation at least that is what I see in this scripture.

41 But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, 42 but one thing is necessary.[b] Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

 

 

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But one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the right portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

Jesus is telling Martha ” That can wait, Martha, come and join Mary and sit at my feet and listen.

Jesus said one thing is necessary for us to continue to move forward in our relationship, our callings, our season’s of life. That is that when we feel overwhelmed, defeated, anxious, upset, angry or happy, joyful, and rejoicing that we make time for us to sit at the feet of Jesus and listen to what He says and teaches us, daily. He invites us, He never forces. He will remain to wait even when we come to Him asking with prayer ” Lord! DO YOU EVEN CARE!”

Of course, He cares, He is just not distracted by the storm like we are. He is the living God, nothing moves Him; except us. He moved from His throne to save us. He moves on our behalf every day. He is our all in all; our Champion. Our Hero.

Psalm 16:5  Lord, You are my portion hand my cup of blessing; You hold my future

Psalm 27:4  I have asked one thing from the  Lord; it is what I desire: to dwell in the house of the  Lord all the days of my life, gazing on the beauty of the  Lord and seeking Him in His temple

Remember our work is unto the Lord

John 6:27

27  Don’t work for the food that perishes d but for the food that lasts for eternal life,  which the Son of Man  will give you, because God the Father has set His seal of approval on Him.”

 

 

 

Your Weakness Is Where Grace Glories

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Friend, remember today in all of our weakness His power is made perfect through those weaknesses

You don’t have to have a particular prayer

You don’t have to look a certain way

You certainly don’t have to be “good enough.”

All you have to do for God to use you is have a dependency on Jesus.

I asked the Lord a couple of weeks ago to heal a broken place in my life. I heard inside my heart “My Grace is Sufficient for you.” I smiled and said “Amen.” That answer was not No, or I don’t care. This reply was telling me to lean on Jesus, He will sustain us (Colossians 1:16-17 )

So, as Paul says in

2 Corinthians 12:10
That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Friend, I don’t have all the answer’s. There are thing’s that make me scratch my head and even wonder “Why?” but I know to the core of my soul. God’s Character is only good and no darkness lies (1John1:5) (James 1:17) (Daniel 2:22) Why do I believe that? Not because of my own heart, but because of God’s heart toward man. That’s found in the Bible. That beautifully bound book reveals Him and only Him. Sometimes we have to get over ourselves to see the bigger picture. All roads lead to Jesus. He is the center of the universe, and if God says it in His Word, then He will do it. He stands guard over His word watching, making sure it comes to pass. Jeremiah 1:12

Keep praying the Word of God over yourselves and declaring His Word even in our weaknesses.  After all, His word says He has loved us with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3)

Washed by the Water

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In our service to Jesus sometimes we have to make hard decisions. They are sometimes hard to carry, sometimes they come with a price. I am reminded of what Jesus said and did for the disciples in
John 13:6-8
Jesus Washes His Disciples’ Feet
 …6He came to Simon Peter, who asked Him, “Lord, are You going to wash my feet?” 7Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later” you will understand. 8“Never shall You wash my feet!” Peter told Him. Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with Me.”…
I can relate to Peter. Peter’s heart is in devotion mode, but his flesh needs constant washing with the Word. Jesus knows the heart. Jesus saw past the quick response that Peter gave and saw a heart that was devoted but lacked understanding. Peter replied to Jesus,
Never will you wash my feet, and Jesus said, “Peter! If I do not wash your feet, you will not have business with Me.”
Peter complied because his heart was devoted, and Jesus washed Peter’s feet signifying that nothing is below us in service to Jesus and that in Jesus washing us with the Word of God we will be able to remain in Him and devote ourselves to service.
Even the most mature Christian will become ineffective if we refuse Jesus, and deny Him to wash our feet with the Word of God. With that washing, our lives will bring glory and honor to Jesus. We must determine ourselves to duty and anything that might hinder us to do so we must lay to the side so that we can bring glory to Jesus. We must Abide in Christ. He is our source for service, without Him will we fall away.
John 15 Abide in me, and I in you.
My point being Jesus is telling us Abide in Him, then He remains in us.
He never leaves nor forsakes us; we are the ones that decide where to abide.
We leave Jesus; He never leaves us.
 Jesus is our source.
 Jesus is the Word of God.
 Jesus has made us clean.
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So, today if you are facing another decision, another boundary, another problematic circumstance. I am praying for you, Jesus never said that our journey through this world would be easy. He did say He would be with us and help us through our troubles. One day we will no longer feel the pain of stress, sickness, or sadness.
One day we will not feel the frustration of being wronged, betrayed, misunderstood, or accused. One day we will be standing in front of Jesus wrapped up in his everlasting arms, and we will understand everything. This life is difficult at times; I pray we give each other grace. I pray that today for both you and I that we will sit for a while and allow the water of the Word to wash over our minds, hearts, and souls.
I am praying this verse over all of us who are in Christ and are in service and who are facing difficult decisions.
Galatians 6:9
 Let us not grow weary or become discouraged in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap, if we do not give in.
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No matter what Jesus is asking of us or leading us to, you can know this. There are reason’s and things that we don’t understand, but we can trust that He always has the best for us.
Abide in prayer
Abide in the Word
Abide in Worship
The Father gave us the best rescue that is Jesus. He did not withhold His very own son. (John 3:16) We can’t out give God. Trust Him, and know that whatever He may be asking from us it is because it is for our good and His glory.  Remember His ways are greater, and His thoughts are higher than ours (Isaiah 55).
I am reminded of what I wrote in my journal:
 Today I wasn’t perfect, I might have even acted like an idiot trying to figure it all out! I am reminded of the Word. His thoughts and ways are higher and greater, My ideas and thoughts are a path to rebellion.
Love you, friends

Down Deep In My Soul

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We all feel discouraged or forgotten about at times. We can get so discouraged in our walks with Christ that we can forget His promises to us. That He will be with us until the end of the age (Matthew 28:20). That He will never leave nor forsake us. (Hebrews 13:5/Deut. 31:6) He never promised that it wouldn’t be hard or that it wouldn’t be painful but, He did promise to use ALL things for good. Eventually, with time, He will use even the bad things in our lives for our good (Romans 8:28), He promises that His love for us is everlasting. (Jer. 31:3) Yes, in this verse He is directly talking to Israel, but since we are now the spiritual descendants of Abraham we have all of God’s promises, it is truth and grace, and it is beautiful. We are grafted into Jesus. (Romans 11:17). Because we are grafted in, we are spiritual descendants of Abraham (Galatians 3:29)
If you feel the least bit of insecurity/ rivalry or discouraged/forgotten about. Cry it out to the Lord, listen He already knows what is eating away at you. He knows why, when, where, what, and how it all started. We just have to speak it out to Him so that He can affirm and make us secure in Him again.
I received encouragement from an incredible woman Friday! Someone who I greatly admire and mimic in the faith, which is scriptural. Hebrews 13:17 Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith.
She gave me a Psalm to read, just thought I would pass it on.
Psalm 18:28-39
28 You, Lord, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.
29 With your help I can advance against a troop;
with my God I can scale a wall.
30 As for God, his way is perfect:
The Lord’s word is flawless;
he shields all who take refuge in him.
31 For who is God besides the Lord?
And who is the Rock except our God?
32 It is God who arms me with strength
and keeps my way secure.
33 He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he causes me to stand on the heights.
34 He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
35 You make your saving help my shield,
and your right hand sustains me;
your help has made me great.
36 You provide a broad path for my feet,
so that my ankles do not give way…
39 You armed me with strength for battle
No matter where in the journey we are with God we need two crucial things in our lives we need:
 *Regular prayer time/relationship with Jesus
*Word of God
*A few spiritual mentors who spur us on & encourage us, correct, and teach us.
I might not have it all, but what I do have I am incredibly thankful for.

Grace then Faith

Divine order

Saved by Grace: Unmerited favor of God (You can’t earn it, You can’t boast about it, It is given to every human being on this earth.

Ephesians 2:8-9

8 For it is by grace you have been saved through faith, and this not from yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.

Titus 3:5
He saved us, not by the righteous deeds we had done, but according to His mercy, through the washing of new birth and renewal by the Holy Spirit.

2 Timothy 1:9
He has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not because of our own works, but by His own purpose and by the grace He granted us in Christ Jesus before time eternal.

The grace that God extended toward us through Jesus our Savior. Jesus died for all our sin past, present, future (ALL SIN) He was buried in a tomb, and God raised Him from the grave proclaiming victory.

Faith comes after we experience God’s grace we receive faith by hearing the gospel of grace and by all of the word of God. Old and New Testament.

Romans 10:17 – So then faith [cometh] by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.

We can not please God without faith. We can only seek Him through the Word.

Hebrews 11:6 – But without faith [it is] impossible to please [him]: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and [that] he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

Grace and Faith combined gives us Hope in ( Jesus Christ, Yeshua, The Cornerstone)

Hebrews 11:1 – Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

This is the divine order that God established. We often try to have faith before we accept God’s grace, and it will not work in that order. We have to agree on the gift of God’s grace. The gift of God, His son Jesus, to understand that we are forgiven of all sin through Christ Jesus. All past, present, future sin, and all of the sin of the world!! We’re sinners we sin, Jesus Christ saves! He is the Savior. He is the only one perfect and blameless. I pray we take ahold of grace and then our faith increases. We live out our faith through pure grace. It is the grace of God that holds us together.

When we have a grasp on God’s grace, it propels our faith and keeps us running to Jesus through relationship. We have no terror of the wrath of God because we have been washed clean and forgiven by the blood of Jesus. We have a reverent respect and relationship with Jesus. Now when God the Father looks upon us, He see’s Jesus, the son in whom He is well pleased with. That is freedom, that is grace, that is mercy and love everlasting. That is wonderful; that is Jesus Christ.grace.jpg

Relationship Through….

 

Lord, let me say this with love in my heart and grace in my words.
If we do not know what gifting or calling we have in Christ Jesus may, I suggest something friend.

See, just out of being a follower of Christ Jesus does not mean He just poofs things into existence. He is not mystical. I mean He could, in His sovereignty if He desired to but, see, God is after something. He is after you! He wants you to speak to Him through prayer. He wants you to know His character through the pages of scripture. He intends to reveal to you personally.That means not just through a Pastor or a teacher

they introduce, they don’t produce Jesus for you or I.

( So, cut those men some slack! Pastor’s have responsibility’s, Yes, but they are not Jesus. They can’t be everything to you or I.)

Okay, getting back on track Jesus only reveals His callings, directions, instructions, constructions, healings, truth, discernment. To those who pray. I have talked to so many and have read from so many that say: “God just didn’t call me; as he has called you.”
Well, my dear, that would be canceling out hundreds of old testament scriptures and new testament scriptures. The fact is if you sincerely don’t feel like God has called or purposed you for anything. Can I ask you these questions?

1.)Have you asked Him?

2.) How is your prayer life? Do you have one?

3.) Are you seeking His face and will through prayer and scripture?

4.) Are you trying to read scripture to find the answers you that only make you feel good? (Quick fix of Jesus to make you feel good)

Only you, can truly answer these questions. Find time today, to seriously consider what your answers are.

Then,pray about them and most of all ask for help with each one. It is a daily walk with Jesus He knows that already, we are the ones that have to figure it out. He knows our hearts and character better than we know ourselves. It’s time we get to know God’s heart and character through scripture and prayer. I thought of this scripture in

Matthew 7:7

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened into you:

So, let’s ask the Holy Spirit to give us all of Him.That we may seek His will and the scripture says: seek , we shall find. Lastly, if we knock open the pages of scripture to seek and ask the Holy Spirit will open the door of His Heart to guide us correctly and effectively. He hears us. ❤

12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

Jeremiah 29:12

These are all questions every single purpose-driven Christian ask ourselves continually. It’s a constant battle against the flesh. It rises and falls in the blink of an eye. This is the battle that God has enabled us to remain in victory. Not because we can but, because the Holy Spirit can.  God did not give me more gifting than you; that’s absurd. He gave me talents and through getting to know Him in Scripture and through many prayers He showed me who I am in Him.

That’s the million dollar formula see, no big secret or prayer I said. It’s just relationship and Him being God. You can have all that He has given me and more. Whatever you see it’s Jesus. It’s not one smidge of me. You wouldn’t love me, but you love Jesus in me. That is the compliment of a lifetime! I’ll take it, sweet sister!

That verse is a promise to every child of God through the blood of Jesus Christ our Savior. He is renewing me every day and He will you too; if you will pray and study.
He is always right there we just have to seek Him out through the Holy Spirits guidance that’s how we actually fellowship with Him. I pray, if you do not know Jesus Christ the Savior of the world, that today would be the day you meet Him. If you would like to know more about Jesus Christ contact me at:

www.mylordmystrengthmysong.com or find us on
Twitter: https://twitter.com/KimberlyFerren

Or find us on Instagram @mylordmystrengthmysong
Of course, you can always message me on our Facebook page, and I will respond as quickly as I can. Just click, the message button above. Even if you just need someone to talk to. I would love to serve you in that way.

Like always, I depend on each one of you to get my post in news feed by sharing, liking, commenting. I am forever grateful and honored to serve you in this way

Love always,
Kim
#Prayer #Relationship #Scritpure #Study #Love #Seek #Ask #Knock

A tree of life

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Today, I have just been reflecting. I have been thinking about the last five years of my life. I have witnessed God do amazing things in the midst of severe tragedy and death, against tremendous loss and financial hardships, and against every odd that could be stacked. I have seen His hand come down to swoop me from destruction and desolation. I have seen His mercy when the world said there was none. I have experienced a valley period for almost six years (actually to be specific April 2011). I have experienced total loss. First, my house was lost in a historic flood in April 2011. I mean everything we had about three hours to get everything out. We got some things, but most things were ruined. I lost my pictures, handmade items that my babies made. I about lost it when an insurance adjuster came in and said “Well it could have been worse!” and quickly told us well we were lucky because it wasn’t over the top of our roof. I remember feeling like the blood was collecting up around your neck and your head was going to pop. I also remember in that very moment wanting to cry and scream and ask him how he slept at night. But, I heard a small voice that said: “Everything is ok.” I remember feeling like I had no one. I remember trying to give updates to people and fighting back intense anger and tears. I remember trying to understanding if I was going to get through this? If I were going to, I would have to breathe one breath at a time. I got through it, I got through it by the grace of God that holds us, the universe, and all together and is in control Colossians 1:16)

I remember filling out paperwork for my babies to go back to school and have to check homeless. We were living with my in-laws. I remember getting the phone call saying sorry you didn’t get the loan. I remember feeling like my every day just was every hell I didn’t want to go through.

This is life, hard, cold, and cruel. I remember a phone conversation with my mom and she said “Kim, why don’t you claim the house in Jesus name.” I remember saying “Okay.”

I don’t believe in the prosperity gospel; I am not saying or giving the formula to claim a house. I am saying I walked in my current house and right there completely broken; I cried out. “I said, Jesus if it is your will, please give us a home. This house is your house. You will be on these walls because you gave it to us.” I walked out and went home told my husband of soon to be ten years” I found a house!” he said “Great, we will go see it Saturday and get some paperwork on it!” and that is just what happened. Saturday afternoon we started papers on a beautiful four bedroom home for a family of five. By Friday the next week we were approved without a hitch or complication and signed papers the following week. By the first week of October, we were moving in. I’m not telling you this to pat ourselves on the back. The fact was we were so far away from God that some would say we were hopeless. I’m telling you this because prayer is everything!

Not the claim made to Jesus but, the cry that He hears.

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He decided the rest because He knows. Looking back, this blessing turned my life straight back into his arms. It set my heart to seek Him for healing, loving, and restoration I needed desperately. I needed freedom! I needed to see Him move mightily to get my attention.

That same Easter we decided to recommit our lives to Christ and serve Him with all our heart, mind, and souls. We did, we started getting involved with the youth inside our church, and it was love at first sight. Our church was perfect for us, but there is no such thing as a perfect church. This spurred a journey that changed our lives for the good. Soon, as you all have experienced, a major issue and conflict started to surface. Looking back every inch of it was fueled by religion and that nasty green-eyed monster jealousy. I will admit I could have handled the whole thing much better than I did. I made mistakes and have regrets. What happened next was a beginning of several losses that have occurred simultaneously since July 2013. First significant loss was the children in the youth group. I don’t want to be melodramatic, but, when this offensive explosion of lies and mean-spirited division came, it left a wake of victims not just myself but at least thirty people that I can immediately think off the top of my head. Of course, I remember feeling out of control, frustrated, and well downright heartbroken. Immediately I ran to the Word, and the Holy Spirit led me to three Psalms. I would tell you the numbers but, honestly, I just think that’s something only God and I ever need to know. It was a time where God was ever so tender with me. I felt like if I even sniffled He was right there on the scene. I remember one morning in particular where I was praying. I was angry praying; I was stomping around then I knelt down then I laid down, and I sobbed my ever-loving heart out, but not what you think, I was merely asking for Him to take the pain away. I was begging to tell Him, Lord, I feel like a whole part of me is gone. Don’t you care? Why, am I going through this? What did I do? Why can’t I be back with those kids, I love them! I need them!

He never even chastised me He just simply said: “I know, I see, I hear.”  I have never forgotten those words. Just knowing He knows, He sees, He hears was enough. I knew He loved me. I knew He saw this coming. I knew He heard my shattered heart and knew exactly what to say to it. I got up from there and decided, well if He knows, He sees, He hears, then I’m giving this to Him, and I am leaving it here. It’s too much, and it hurts as all get out, and I have had enough of it. I would be lying if I said I didn’t still cry over that season every once in a while. I remember what happened, but I remember how God loved me especially so merciful in that season. Made the verse in Matthew 5 jump off those pages and come to life. I am close to the broken-hearted. Oh, I have been broken just like David on my belly, broken. Just as I got on my belly flat as an arrow, I got up again.

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After leaving our home church, we went to another local church. Quite a bit larger than our home church and full of life. It was a safe place. It was a place that we could cry, be angry, hurt, and quiet and be okay. That was two and a half years ago, and it wasn’t pretty. I would love to tell you all how we nailed it, but that would be a whopper breaking lie for the record books! We were messy, but they loved us anyway. We were gun shy, but they were patient. We tried, and I think they saw that. I’ve heard everything from if the church hurt you enough to make you lose your faith your faith was not of God. That is true, but to a person raw with intense pain and loss of losing a church family traumatically it’s like pouring salt on it and saying don’t worry it’ll heal up! I’ve heard well come on its time to get over it. It’s time to get moving. Yup, probably 100 percent truth, but the fact was I was barely holding on to Jesus’s garment, but at the same time the little bit I had a hold of it was a death grip. I almost lost my mind during this season. God knew I loved Him. Believe me, Y’all, I had the heart for God, but I was running away from things I had suppressed and when all heck broke out. There it was staring back at me like a rabid dog. It was a giant of sorts, and it wanted to consume me. God orchestrated all this so when this fierce giant came for me, well, this time I would slay it! So Him saying I know, I see, I hear. Did not just have meaning right then, but He told me ” Kim, I’ve been here all along! I know, I see, I hear!”  That is the still small voice that led me through the valley and in a spiritual battle that was the turning point in my life. After ultimately finding Jesus and knowing who I am in the Great I Am. This took from July 2013 until May of 2015.

That May morning I received a phone call and …

One of my best friends voice said “Kim, Jenna is in ICU. She is bad. They don’t think she is going to live.”

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See, Jenna and I were best friends in high school. We had a lot in common. Of course, we were both incredibly broken, and well, you attract the level of brokenness you are.  We instantly bonded.

Fast forward to our early 30’s and we were not even speaking because of drugs and alcohol. No matter what, I loved Jenna. I really did. No matter what, we always were at her major life events, especially the birth of her daughter A.

Fast forward to May of 2015 again and the same friend that called said: “Kim, come up here now!”

I said, ” Does she want to see me?”

She said, “Hold on I’ll ask.”

The next voice I heard was a faint, weak voice that said: “Kimmie, I love you!” I said “I love you, Jenna” then she only said let’s never talk about it again come up here.

I dropped the phone and ran. Praying the whole way up there that God would help me. I was scared to death. The only thing I knew was she was in complete liver failure, and she looked scary.

I remember the level of a shock seeing her. But, after that, I sincerely believe God shielded my eyes and gave me strength to do what I did next. I decided from that moment if God had restored us back to speaking then I would stay with her. I did, until she was released from the hospital. The things that happened, are again, something I will never forget and are moments I treasure. I will say this; God filled that room, and I saw first hand the power of prayer and how God prepares us for the next step. He faithfully did. After she went home to Texas with her mother, she would be away from drug dealers and access to what is a full blown epidemic in our society. Ninety percent of drug and alcohol addicts are not in treatment centers; the death rate is staggering. After staying with her mother in Texas she relapsed. It was the beginning of August three short weeks after she returned; she was dead due to substance abuse. The same day we buried her precious bones, my husband stood in the doorway and told me his job of eighteen years was ending in November 2015. To be honest, I was numb; I tried to process but, I couldn’t. All I could do was walk around and occasionally sob.

It would be a grief-stricken season. I still had a hold on to the same piece of His garment. I said to Jesus one morning “I don’t care what happens I’m not letting go! I refuse to give up, and I don’t know how, or where, or even when, but, I know You will work this for the good of me! I’m digging in and choosing You!”

Hahaha, little did I know He chose me before the foundations of the earth. But, you see I was convincing myself, and declaring no matter what to Satan, I love God because He first loved me! You can sift me like wheat, but, you can’t have the head of the grain. The harvest is the Lord’s! No matter what you throw out before me, I am submitting and praising God! The next week, a woman at church said:  “Hey, there is an older couple who need a caretaker; I know you would be great at it!” so, I took the offer and began this page. This page and blog is a tree of life to me. It is a fruit from several seasons of loss and hardships. It is a promise that was made to my heart. It is proof that God is with me. It is evidence of how His grace continually holds all of us together!

By the way in March 2016, my wonderful hubby did find a job, and God is still blessing us abundantly. We celebrated 15 years married in September 2016. I will never be able to adequately express how difficult these last five or six years have been, but what I can tell you is keep praising, keep dreaming, keep holding onto that garment with white knuckles because things will calm down and you will see the hand of God in time. I love Jesus, I love life, and I love each one of you. ❤

This picture right above is a relationship that is a tree of life for me. This is my best friend Cassie and one of Jenna’s besties too! I look at this picture sometimes and wonder what it would have been like to have a short, beautiful blonde holding a sign that says, Love. How many nights I have wondered but, the still small voice says: “Don’t wonder. Everything is okay. I know, I see, and I hear.” That is what keeps all of us going. Those moments of security and reassurance. Thank you, Jesus, for those moments they keep up hanging on tightly to the hem of your garment. <3

 

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